What is this..?

I have this strange feeling of hope.  I recently ditched even more baggage, and it feels good.  Not only that, but something else has come along that has serious promise.

Maybe everything will end up working out.

Was that vague enough for you..?

Thoughts from an insomniac.

You know what is a hard concept to understand?  Sleep.  Think about it.

I think about the same thing every damn night:  What is the point in sleeping? I get about an hour of sleep per night.  That is all my body needs now.  If I get more than that, I’m exhausted the entire next day.  But the reason that I can’t sleep is because I can’t turn off my brain.  Just think – How do you fall asleep, knowing that once it happens, you won’t know it happened until it’s over?  That really bothers me.  Sure, you can wait to ‘pass out’, but once you fall asleep, it’s not like you can say, “Sweet!  I’m finally asleep!”  Because you have no idea.  You are off in dreamland.  You don’t know you fell asleep until you wake up, then you’re pissed it’s over.

I’ve had that same thought process every single night now, for years.  As soon as I start to drift off, I wonder if that is what sleep feels like, then that thought wakes me up.  It is very frustrating.

One thing I do love doing though is just being in bed.  I love the fluffiness.  Even though I don’t sleep, I love just crawling under the covers and snuggling up with my blankets.  Actually, that sounds pretty damn appealing right about now.

I can’t wait until bedtime.

I thought it was supposed to be getting easier.

I can’t wait for today to be over.  You know why?  No reason at all.  That’s how I feel every day.  I can’t wait for it to be over, and yet I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.  I’m in a complete black hole. I don’t even have anything to write about.  I have plans for what I want to do, but nothing can happen until I’m rid of the piece of scum that I used to call my husband.

Nothing seems to be helping me through this.  I know it is not a miracle cure or anything, but I went out and got a tattoo yesterday.  No one even knew I was getting it.  I just needed to do it.  I honestly can’t even tell you if it was because I needed to feel something, or if it was the symbolism that I wanted.

I don’t want help.  I’m not calling out for it, so don’t try.  I don’t want people to try, and I will never admit or talk about anything that I have learned about myself since everything happened.

I am so angry and so bitter from everything.  I hate everyone and everything, and I don’t like the way that feels.  I really am half tempted to just pick a place and move somewhere new.  Then I remember that I have no way to support myself until I’m divorced.  Then I remember that the asshole isn’t giving me enough money to put gas in the tank, let alone provide for my son without the help of my family.  I hope he is embarrassed by the person and father that he is.  I want SO badly to tell everyone that I know what he has done.  To warn everyone what kind of person he is.

But I won’t.  Not quite yet.  I’ve told the people who matter.  Until next time I open this page, I’m going to go back to my hole.

May 17th, 2011

I haven’t written in so long.  I can’t for the life of me think of a damn thing that I want to write about, and I hate that.  I want to write everyday, and yet the only things I want to write about, I don’t want spread all over the world.

I don’t feel broken anymore.  I don’t feel crushed anymore.  I haven’t in a while, thanks to me continuously putting myself out into the world.  I’ve gone out more in the past month than I have in years.  I’ve met so many new people, and I love it.  It’s so weird how quickly love disappears.  I don’t have even a sliver of love for him anymore, let alone any emotion other than complete disgust and repulsion.  I wonder sometimes when I’m trying to fall asleep if I was ever truly happy, or if I was just happy ‘considering’.  I’m glad all this shit happened.  I’m glad that I am rid of him.  He was, and still is poisonous.

I think that… for me… the most infuriating thing throughout this whole thing, is that the people who still talk to him don’t know who he is.  Hell, I didn’t even know for the longest time.  They don’t know what he has done, what he is capable of, what a horrible human being he is.  I wonder if they know that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.  But of course, they will learn.  Just as I have.

And, as I’ve said, I’m glad I learned.  I’m done with men like him.  I’m starting fresh and having fun.

BUT.  I’m not past the point of wishing him a lifetime of pure misery.    : )

Mission: To make each day count. (Que violins)

I’m bound and determined to make today a great day.  I’ve been busy making brand spanking new friends.  It feels so great to get out and have genuine fun.  I went out last weekend, and although I only got four hours of sleep in three days, I had the best time I can remember having in years.  It feels so good to act my age.  I’m going out tonight with people I’ve known for a whopping seven days.  I’m so excited.  Being able to make my own plans is so… freeing.

I’m moving on.  I’m moving up.  It was so hard for a little while, but I know that I will be great.  Better than great.  I now have a firm plan for a job that I know that not only I will kick ass at, but it will be fun.  So much fun.

I feel like I’m learning who I am, and I like her.

April 25th, 2011

It has to be the most terrifying, gut wrenching feeling to watch your entire life crumble before your eyes.

Two weeks ago today, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  He was tired of pretending to be happy, and he just couldn’t take it anymore.  I had no choice.  The person that I loved didn’t want me anymore.  To describe the immense pain that I felt would be impossible.

Luckily, the pain left as fast as it came.  The hurt was stronger than I ever felt before, but it came and left me fast.  Now, two weeks after that, all I feel is hate.  Hate because I loved someone who never existed.  Hate because I couldn’t tell the difference between real and fake.  Hate for who he was and is.  Hate that I was so easily fooled.  Hate that he could do this to his wife and child.  His family.

So I am picking myself up, right here and now.  I am tired of wasting my time on trying to make someone happy.  It’s just me and V now.  And now I’ve realized, I am so much better off without him.  I am a better person, and better mother.  A better woman all together.

I’m going to turn this into a wonderful thing.

Movin’ on up in the world of home furnishings.

Our brand new, RED sofa was delivered today.  I feel like it is Christmas morning.  I am so glad that we decided to go bold.  It really stands out and shouts out our personalities to everyone who cares to listen.

We put the new sofa in the Family Room downstairs, and moved our old sofa upstairs to the Living Room.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the old sofa is the same color as the glider that we already have in the Living Room.

Here it is!

Notice my little ghosty friend?  :)

Here is the Living Room, with the old sofa now in place:

I love how both look.  Somehow, even the old sofa looks new in a different atmosphere.  Funny how that happens.

In other news, I finished knitting V’s snuggly.  I didn’t miss a single stitch!

One down, (insert random high number here) to go.

Well I did it.  I completed my first sewing project.  I made a cover for my sewing machine so it wouldn’t get covered in dust.  All fabric was donated by my wonderful Mother.

Here is the finished product:

Close-up of ribbon detail:

I love how it turned out.

Here is a random shot I took yesterday as well:

Today on my list is to really buckle down on making V’s blanket.  I’m hoping to get a big chunk done today.

Pay it Forward.

I’m setting out a challenge to everyone who reads this, to Pay it Forward over the weekend.  Do something nice, something unprovoked for someone else.  Do not do it for recognition.  Do it only because you know that it needs to be done.

 

I would love to hear if anyone will take this challenge.

March 31st, 2011

Something spectacular happened today.  I saw generosity and love manifest into a physical form.

I am a member of a private mommy board online.  It consists of about 500 people, all moms, all very much like me.  These women have helped me with so much, whether they know it or not, whether I tell them about it or not.  The support from these women is immense.  I feel like no matter where I go, I have a brick wall to lean against if things get hard.  I know that they will be there for me.

That may sound silly to some.  I have never met these women.  If I had an oppotunity to meet them, would I?  I would have to think about it.  That is the great thing about having them live in my computer.  They can’t see how shy I am.  But the point is, I know that they are there.  They are real woman.  As I’m sitting here typing this, I have realized that they are not living in my computer, as it is so easy to assume.  They are living outside.  Outside in different towns, different cities.  These are real, amazing women.

Today, we found out that one woman would not be able to make rent.  Another was living on the other side of the country away from her family.  I personally know exactly how horrible it feels to be homesick.  It is one of the worst feelings in the world.  The hole where your family should be that just cannot be filled without them.  The hug that you need that no one else can replicate.  These women came to the site, never asked for anything.  They just wanted to talk.  So we talked to them.  They needed us, and we needed to help.

A donation was cast, and we have raised enough money in a few short hours to pay the first womans rent, and are well on our way to helping the second lady buy plane tickets to see her family.

I cannot describe the feeling that I have.  I donated to both.  It was something that I needed to do.  To repay, if you will, for all the support that has been given to me.

The love that was shown to me today, will not be forgotten.